"Are you getting excited?"
Even though it's not meant to be, it's a loaded question. The simple answer, of course we're excited! But, really, there are so many emotions all wrapped up in our adoption. So many feelings that I can't answer quickly.
How do I feel? Eagerly excited. It's that feeling you had as a kid on Christmas Eve, when you couldn't sleep all night, waiting to see what Santa left under the Christmas tree. It's the kind of excitement that makes you feel restless, like your heart might explode at any moment. I look at his picture and see his sweet smile, or watch the latest video sent from his foster family and I can't help but smile. I imagine him with us-- playing on the carpet or chasing the dog around the house. And I desperately ache for him to be home.
Oh, but the worry and anxiety. As new parents, we are plagued with worry. We worry that we won't know what to do. That we will mess up. We worry about the language barrier. That he will be frightened of us. We worry about how to handle his medical condition. And the learning curve. We fear the unknowns. The truth is, every parent is worried. We read books, we get advice from friends and parents. But, still, the worry comes-- it won't listen to reason.
Simultaneously, and perhaps unexpectedly, we grieve for him. What is it going to be like, for him, when we take him with us? I imagine it will be terrifying. A little boy, taken away from the people he has come to know and love. Even if they are preparing him for the adoption, that won't keep him from pain or loss. He is too young to understand. And there is so much loss and hurt in adoption. So much pain for such a little, beautiful boy. And so I grieve and pray for him. And I pray for a strong, compassionate heart for myself.
So, in the midst of my feelings and emotions, I pray. I know that my Father in Heaven understands my feelings and will carry me through them. So I pray. I lift up my heart and Carter's heart to Him. I pray for comfort, for patience, for security and for wisdom. I pray, sometimes late into the night, as I put my life in my Savior's hands. And eagerly/fearfully/mournfully await what the next step of our adoption journey will bring.
