Our Adoption Journey: Once We Are Home...

Although we don't have travel approval yet, we expect to be travelling in the next 2-3.5 weeks. In just over a month's time, we could be back home with Carter. It's so crazy/amazing to think that our journey to adopt Carter into our family is nearly complete. Very soon, Carter will be home with us.

Once we're home, we need the help of our friends and family. When we're home, we will want to bring him to see all the friends and family that have cared so much for us and for him over the past 9 months. I mean, seriously-- YOU GUYS ROCK. You have prayed for us. You have given to us financially. You have bought him gifts. You have loved on us as we grew weary throughout the process. You have never given up. You have been more wonderful to us than we can ever express. But, we can't bring him around to meet you all. Not for awhile, at least.

Instead, we need your help. We need you to give us space. Please know that this is so hard for us to ask. We love you. We don't want space, but we will need it. Carter will need it. Even though we will be his parents, it's going to take time for him to learn what that means. A lot of time. Infants spend the first years of their lives being cared for, attentively, by their parents. By the time they are Carter's age, they securely understand who their parents are, and that their needs will be met. Carter didn't have that luxury. He grew up in an environment where his needs weren't always met immediately, or at all. (This is not for lack of love from his nannies, but they were not his parents. There is no love that replaces that of parents.) He has almost 4 years of learning that he is in charge of meeting his own needs. That is not something that will go away as soon as he meets us. It might take weeks, months or even longer for him to learn. He needs to know without a doubt that we love him. And that we will meet his needs.

What does that mean for our friends? As much as we hate it, it means that we need you to give our family time and space to be by ourselves. It will feel like overkill. It might be. But we have 4 years to make up for. That's so much time. So much inconsistency. Please, continue to love us and give us grace by letting us be. It will be very difficult, I know. It will be difficult for us, too, not to spend time with the people we love. But we are only doing it for Carter's safety and emotional and spiritual well-being.

Here are some specific things that we need: 

1. Physical boundaries. We need you to refrain from holding, hugging, and kissing beautiful Carter. And every other normal physical contact. Children from an orphanage setting are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone. It's instinctual. It also hinders his relationship with us, his parents. What can you do? Waving and blowing kisses is welcome! He should know that you our trusted friends and that you love and care for him.

2. Redirection for emotional and physical needs. This is probably the most important boundary that we need. It is critical for our bond with Carter that no one, besides Rob and I, meet any of his physical or emotional needs. Please refrain from feeding him, comforting or soothing him. Any of this can just confuse him more. He has had lots of different caregivers in his short life. He needs to know that we are his only caregivers, now. Simply, and politely, direct Carter towards us if you see that he needs comfort, food, etc.

3. Ignoring "friendly" behavior. Some children who come from an orphanage setting can display what seems to be friendly behavior, such as affection or charm towards any adults. Although it seems harmless and cute, it is actually dangerous. Of course, you are all AMAZING people, but until he has a firm understanding of family, it is best that you direct him back to us. He needs to understand that we are his parents and primary caregivers, and to look to us before engaging with strangers.

4. Don't pay attention to him. Yes, that's right, please ignore Carter (AKA: cutest kid ever). It might seem strange and inappropriate, but it is best to pay him very little attention when you see us in public. For the first few months that he is with us, he will be on sensory overload. Just the sights, smells, and sounds, alone can be very overwhelming to a child from an orphanage background. He will need time to adjust. And paying extra attention to him can be both overwhelming and confusing. He needs to know that we are the most important people in his life. He needs to bond with us. 

I know this is hard. Believe me. I have watched friends walk these same pathways. I know how much you love Carter.  Please be patient. This won't last forever.  In a few months, when we know that Carter is forming strong attachments to us, we will (very) slowly introduce friends and family into his small circle.

Thank you SO MUCH for loving Carter and respecting our boundaries. I know they will be strange and awkward. We wouldn't do it if it wasn't necessary. We love you all so much!!


Because we know that you are the most WONDERFUL people in the world, here are something things you can do to help. (If you feel the need. Seriously, no pressure!)

5. Pray, diligently. Pray for Carter to overcome the grief and trauma of his journey into our family. Pray for our family to bond quickly and securely. Pray that Rob and I are able to display the love and grace of Christ to little Carter.

6. Make/bring food. Over the first few weeks home we will probably be struggling with some major jetlag and possible sickness from the long trip. We would love and welcome any food/meals that you want to provide. I am sure we will be too exhausted to want to do any cooking when we get home.

7. Laundry/cleaning/yard work. This sounds silly, but sometimes the best thing you can do for an adoptive family is take care of some of the daily tasks that we are too tired/jetlagged/sick to take care of in the first few days that we are home.



If you're interested in reading more about cocooning, there is a fabulous article on one of my favorite adoption blogs: http://www.nohandsbutours.com/2015/09/09/cocooning/

Our Adoption Journey, Step 9: Article 5 and the next steps

This morning we received word that our Article 5 was issued. It sounds like such good news, doesn't it? But what is an Article 5? And what does it mean?

What is an Article 5? First, a (brief) history/overview of international adoption.  In the 1990's the Hague Adoption Convention was developed to protect children during the process of an international adoption. As a result, any adoption of children between the ratifying countries (now 96) includes safeguards for children and a structured procedural process. The last step of the process is the Article 5: a letter from the US Consulate to the foreign central authority (CCCWA in China) to confirm that the adoptive parents are eligible to adopt and that the child is eligible to immigrate to the US and reside there permanently.

What does it mean? It means that our travel is coming SOON! We still don't have travel dates, but this was our last step of approval. Now, we wait for the CCCWA to issue us a Travel Approval. (This happens fairly quickly after they receive our Article 5.) After our travel approval, we will know our travel dates and travel to China within 3 weeks. Travel is coming shortly! HOORAY!!!!

In the meantime, pray for patience and wisdom. Pray that God will prepare our hearts for the struggles and joys that we will face while we are in China and after we bring Carter home. God is good. We are so excited to see Him working out His love throughout our adoption journey!