I had no idea... part 2

A year ago, we came home as a family of 3 for the first time.  It has been an extremely challenging and beautiful year. Despite the hardships, it has been one of the best years of my life. As an eternal optimist, I am always looking for the best in any situation. This year has been no different. Despite challenges of a fixer-upper, tantrums, night-terrors, coyote attacks, almost a dozen trips to meet family, I have found joy in it so much. My heart has grown. And we enjoyed so many little moments together.

In a lot of ways, we were well prepared for the changes ahead of us. But there were so many things, despite years of research of adoption and parenting, that I had no idea were coming.

I had no idea how many dishes I would clean on a daily basis. So. Many. Dishes. There’s just no logic.

I had no idea how different adoption parenting would be. I had heard stories and done the research. Living through it is a different story. It can feel isolating and bewildering. Every misbehavior, every reaction has to be interpreted through a different lens.

I had no idea how much I would cry. For an adopted child, their story begins with tragedy and grief. Depending on his or her circumstances, there can be years of trauma and loss. Loss of birth parents. Loss of foster parents. Loss of friends. Loss of a loving family. There can be so many different kinds of loss. When I watch my sweet child and think of those who lost him, I weep. I weep for them and I weep for him.

I had no idea how much I would learn about PJ Masks.  I can name the characters and sing the theme song. I have even discussed the characters, at length, with other adults.

I had no idea how much adopting a preschooler would feel like having a newborn. Because, at the end of the day, becoming a new parent is just that. No matter the age of the child.

I had no idea how I would learn and grow.  I had no idea how I would learn to sacrifice my needs, my wants, even my need to please others, for my son’s protection and well-being. Things that I struggled with for years just simply became unimportant. And the things I loved, seemed to pale in comparison.

Our life has not been what I have expected. But it has meant so much more. Awhile back, I wrote about a post about all the changes that we had happened since moved to Georgia. Now, three years later, I am eager to know what I will write in my next chapter of our journey. 

Our Adoption Journey: Once We Are Home...

Although we don't have travel approval yet, we expect to be travelling in the next 2-3.5 weeks. In just over a month's time, we could be back home with Carter. It's so crazy/amazing to think that our journey to adopt Carter into our family is nearly complete. Very soon, Carter will be home with us.

Once we're home, we need the help of our friends and family. When we're home, we will want to bring him to see all the friends and family that have cared so much for us and for him over the past 9 months. I mean, seriously-- YOU GUYS ROCK. You have prayed for us. You have given to us financially. You have bought him gifts. You have loved on us as we grew weary throughout the process. You have never given up. You have been more wonderful to us than we can ever express. But, we can't bring him around to meet you all. Not for awhile, at least.

Instead, we need your help. We need you to give us space. Please know that this is so hard for us to ask. We love you. We don't want space, but we will need it. Carter will need it. Even though we will be his parents, it's going to take time for him to learn what that means. A lot of time. Infants spend the first years of their lives being cared for, attentively, by their parents. By the time they are Carter's age, they securely understand who their parents are, and that their needs will be met. Carter didn't have that luxury. He grew up in an environment where his needs weren't always met immediately, or at all. (This is not for lack of love from his nannies, but they were not his parents. There is no love that replaces that of parents.) He has almost 4 years of learning that he is in charge of meeting his own needs. That is not something that will go away as soon as he meets us. It might take weeks, months or even longer for him to learn. He needs to know without a doubt that we love him. And that we will meet his needs.

What does that mean for our friends? As much as we hate it, it means that we need you to give our family time and space to be by ourselves. It will feel like overkill. It might be. But we have 4 years to make up for. That's so much time. So much inconsistency. Please, continue to love us and give us grace by letting us be. It will be very difficult, I know. It will be difficult for us, too, not to spend time with the people we love. But we are only doing it for Carter's safety and emotional and spiritual well-being.

Here are some specific things that we need: 

1. Physical boundaries. We need you to refrain from holding, hugging, and kissing beautiful Carter. And every other normal physical contact. Children from an orphanage setting are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone. It's instinctual. It also hinders his relationship with us, his parents. What can you do? Waving and blowing kisses is welcome! He should know that you our trusted friends and that you love and care for him.

2. Redirection for emotional and physical needs. This is probably the most important boundary that we need. It is critical for our bond with Carter that no one, besides Rob and I, meet any of his physical or emotional needs. Please refrain from feeding him, comforting or soothing him. Any of this can just confuse him more. He has had lots of different caregivers in his short life. He needs to know that we are his only caregivers, now. Simply, and politely, direct Carter towards us if you see that he needs comfort, food, etc.

3. Ignoring "friendly" behavior. Some children who come from an orphanage setting can display what seems to be friendly behavior, such as affection or charm towards any adults. Although it seems harmless and cute, it is actually dangerous. Of course, you are all AMAZING people, but until he has a firm understanding of family, it is best that you direct him back to us. He needs to understand that we are his parents and primary caregivers, and to look to us before engaging with strangers.

4. Don't pay attention to him. Yes, that's right, please ignore Carter (AKA: cutest kid ever). It might seem strange and inappropriate, but it is best to pay him very little attention when you see us in public. For the first few months that he is with us, he will be on sensory overload. Just the sights, smells, and sounds, alone can be very overwhelming to a child from an orphanage background. He will need time to adjust. And paying extra attention to him can be both overwhelming and confusing. He needs to know that we are the most important people in his life. He needs to bond with us. 

I know this is hard. Believe me. I have watched friends walk these same pathways. I know how much you love Carter.  Please be patient. This won't last forever.  In a few months, when we know that Carter is forming strong attachments to us, we will (very) slowly introduce friends and family into his small circle.

Thank you SO MUCH for loving Carter and respecting our boundaries. I know they will be strange and awkward. We wouldn't do it if it wasn't necessary. We love you all so much!!


Because we know that you are the most WONDERFUL people in the world, here are something things you can do to help. (If you feel the need. Seriously, no pressure!)

5. Pray, diligently. Pray for Carter to overcome the grief and trauma of his journey into our family. Pray for our family to bond quickly and securely. Pray that Rob and I are able to display the love and grace of Christ to little Carter.

6. Make/bring food. Over the first few weeks home we will probably be struggling with some major jetlag and possible sickness from the long trip. We would love and welcome any food/meals that you want to provide. I am sure we will be too exhausted to want to do any cooking when we get home.

7. Laundry/cleaning/yard work. This sounds silly, but sometimes the best thing you can do for an adoptive family is take care of some of the daily tasks that we are too tired/jetlagged/sick to take care of in the first few days that we are home.



If you're interested in reading more about cocooning, there is a fabulous article on one of my favorite adoption blogs: http://www.nohandsbutours.com/2015/09/09/cocooning/

Our Adoption Journey, Step 9: Article 5 and the next steps

This morning we received word that our Article 5 was issued. It sounds like such good news, doesn't it? But what is an Article 5? And what does it mean?

What is an Article 5? First, a (brief) history/overview of international adoption.  In the 1990's the Hague Adoption Convention was developed to protect children during the process of an international adoption. As a result, any adoption of children between the ratifying countries (now 96) includes safeguards for children and a structured procedural process. The last step of the process is the Article 5: a letter from the US Consulate to the foreign central authority (CCCWA in China) to confirm that the adoptive parents are eligible to adopt and that the child is eligible to immigrate to the US and reside there permanently.

What does it mean? It means that our travel is coming SOON! We still don't have travel dates, but this was our last step of approval. Now, we wait for the CCCWA to issue us a Travel Approval. (This happens fairly quickly after they receive our Article 5.) After our travel approval, we will know our travel dates and travel to China within 3 weeks. Travel is coming shortly! HOORAY!!!!

In the meantime, pray for patience and wisdom. Pray that God will prepare our hearts for the struggles and joys that we will face while we are in China and after we bring Carter home. God is good. We are so excited to see Him working out His love throughout our adoption journey!

Our Adoption Journey: All. The. Feels.

"Wow! Everything's going to be happening soon. You'll be travelling before you know it!"

"Are you getting excited?"

Even though it's not meant to be, it's a loaded question. The simple answer, of course we're excited! But, really, there are so many emotions all wrapped up in our adoption. So many feelings that I can't answer quickly. 

How do I feel? Eagerly excited. It's that feeling you had as a kid on Christmas Eve, when you couldn't sleep all night, waiting to see what Santa left under the Christmas tree. It's the kind of excitement that makes you feel restless, like your heart might explode at any moment. I look at his picture and see his sweet smile, or watch the latest video sent from his foster family and I can't help but smile. I imagine him with us-- playing on the carpet or chasing the dog around the house. And I desperately ache for him to be home.

Oh, but the worry and anxiety. As new parents, we are plagued with worry. We worry that we won't know what to do. That we will mess up. We worry about the language barrier. That he will be frightened of us. We worry about how to handle his medical condition. And the learning curve. We fear the unknowns. The truth is, every parent is worried.  We read books, we get advice from friends and parents.  But, still, the worry comes-- it won't listen to reason.

Simultaneously, and perhaps unexpectedly, we grieve for him. What is it going to be like, for him, when we take him with us? I imagine it will be terrifying. A little boy, taken away from the people he has come to know and love. Even if they are preparing him for the adoption, that won't keep him from pain or loss. He is too young to understand. And there is so much loss and hurt in adoption. So much pain for such a little, beautiful boy. And so I grieve and pray for him.  And I pray for a strong, compassionate heart for myself.

So, in the midst of my feelings and emotions, I pray. I know that my Father in Heaven understands my feelings and will carry me through them. So I pray. I lift up my heart and Carter's heart to Him.  I pray for comfort, for patience, for security and for wisdom. I pray, sometimes late into the night, as I put my life in my Savior's hands. And eagerly/fearfully/mournfully await what the next step of our adoption journey will bring.

Our Adoption Journey, Step 8: LOA & Immigration Approval

We have made it! Last week we received our official letter of approval (LOA)! It has been a long journey, but the end is in sight. We still have a few steps to go, but the CCCWA has approved our adoption of little man.

What is the time frame? The next steps should take between between 8-11 weeks, until we travel. Right now, however, the averages are running a little faster and we expect to be in China at the end of July or the beginning of August.

What are the next steps? There are so many. So, so many. But, briefly, we are waiting on immigration. We need the US to approve Carter's immigration to become a US citizen. We need to get travel visas for ourselves for the adoption. Once it's received, we will send our immigration approval to the CCCWA and get approved for travel!

It's all so exciting and exhausting, but we're finally here!

Our Adoption Journey, Step 7: Care Package

In the last month, we have been matched and pre-approved to adopt our little man, Then, we finished our paperwork, it was translated, sent to the CCCWA in China and logged in. Whew! What a month!

What's the next step? Most likely, we will receive our LOA (letter of approval) in May or early June.  Until then? More waiting. While we wait, we are sending a care package to Carter. Most likely, this will be his (and his nannies') first heads-up that he has a family.

So, we put together a few things for Carter, and his friends in the orphanage. Here's a peak:

1. Shirt: We bought him at cute, short-sleeved shirt, size 3T. Hopefully it will fit. His measurements were all over the place. So, we guessed. Realistically, we will probably never see him in this shirt--but that's okay. He needs a shirt, so he gets a shirt. Besides, if it doesn't fit him, I can hope it will be worn by another little boy that needs a good shirt.

2. Photobook: In the corner of the picture, you can see our book. It is filled with pages of our family, friends, house and puppy. Most importantly, pictures of us, telling him that we love him.

3. Wooden trains: I can't tell you how fun it was to shop for small, simple toys. We have waited so many years to buy things for our child. To get him something that might put a smile on his face. We labeled these: "to share with your friends". Why aren't they just for him? After 8 months on our adoption journey, our hearts have broken for orphans around the world. How will his friends feel, knowing Carter is going to be adopted, but that they may never be? We bought more, identical trains for him to have at home. These toys are for him to share and will stay at the welfare institute. We cannot adopt them all, but we can love them. And send them things that will put a smile on their face.

4. Dum-Dums: Because everyone needs suckers. We couldn't fit the entire bag in that tiny box, so we put some in a Ziploc bag for him to share with his friends.

5. SD card: For the nannies and caregivers to take pictures of Carter and his friends. We hope that they will take pictures of him and everyone he knows at the orphanage. I know that he will treasure those pictures for years to come. Pictures of those who loved him before we could. We thought about sending a disposable camera, but we are hopeful that the orphanage has a digital camera (and maybe it's more convenient for them?). If we send another care package, we might send a disposable camera, just in case.

6. Letter to the orphanage (not pictured): Our agency wrote out a letter, in Mandarin, explaining that we love Carter and that we are coming for him soon. We asked that they take pictures of Carter and his friends. We asked that they let him know that we are his family and love him until we can get there. We also included a copy of our pre-approval from the CCCWA.


Somehow, we fit it all into a tiny little box. Seriously, I'm not sure how.

Our Adoption Journey: LID, DTC, and all the other letters...

In China adoption, there are so many different acronyms. Why? Because there are so many, detailed steps to international adoption. So, below, I have compiled a list of all the acronyms that we might have used (or will in the future) as part of our adoption.

CCAI: Chinese Children Adoption International. Our adoption agency. It is one of the largest China adoption agencies in the US. They have been around for over 20 years and assisted in more than 10,000 adoptions of children from China. For more information, click HERE.

CCCWA: China Center for Children's Welfare & Adoption. The government agency in China that is in charge of orphan care. It is the agency that will (hopefully) approve our adoption and our travel to China to adopt our little boy.

USCIS: United States Citizenship & Immigration Services. The US government agency that oversees citizenship and immigration. Because Carter will be a US citizen as soon as he in on US soil, we have background checks and visa approval through USCIS.

LOI: Letter Of Intent. The letter that we wrote to the CCCWA, indicating our desire to adopt our specific child. It included specific information about him and our promise to love and provide for him, to the best of our ability.

PA: Pre-Approval. Following our LOI, the CCCWA pre-approved our adoption of Carter. This happens before they read through our entire dossier. After we received our pre-approval, we were able to share pictures of Carter to our friends and family. Although it is not the official approval, it is an exciting step, to be allowed to share pictures and (limited) information about him with those who love us (and him) and are praying for us all.

DTC: Dossier to China. Our dossier paperwork has been sent to the CCCWA in China. Usually within 2 weeks, it is logged into the system. And, if there are no concerns with our paperwork, we can be (hopefully) be approved in 2-4 months.

LID: Logged-In Dossier. Our paperwork has been logged into the CCCWA. Nothing has been officially translated, read or approved. This date, however, is very important because everything that happens for our adoption usually hinges on this date. Approval, travel, etc. is always based on this date.

LOA: Letter of Approval. The CCCWA has read through our dossier and approves of our adoption. WE GET TO ADOPT!!! This, of course, is one of the most important steps. (Don't get excited, it hasn't happened yet!)

TA: Travel Approval. About 2-3 months after our LOA, the CCCWA will usually approve us for travel. At that time, we are only 7-10 days from going to China. This hinges on travel visas for us and for Carter, approved by both the US and the CCCWA.