Our Adoption Journey: Once We Are Home...

Although we don't have travel approval yet, we expect to be travelling in the next 2-3.5 weeks. In just over a month's time, we could be back home with Carter. It's so crazy/amazing to think that our journey to adopt Carter into our family is nearly complete. Very soon, Carter will be home with us.

Once we're home, we need the help of our friends and family. When we're home, we will want to bring him to see all the friends and family that have cared so much for us and for him over the past 9 months. I mean, seriously-- YOU GUYS ROCK. You have prayed for us. You have given to us financially. You have bought him gifts. You have loved on us as we grew weary throughout the process. You have never given up. You have been more wonderful to us than we can ever express. But, we can't bring him around to meet you all. Not for awhile, at least.

Instead, we need your help. We need you to give us space. Please know that this is so hard for us to ask. We love you. We don't want space, but we will need it. Carter will need it. Even though we will be his parents, it's going to take time for him to learn what that means. A lot of time. Infants spend the first years of their lives being cared for, attentively, by their parents. By the time they are Carter's age, they securely understand who their parents are, and that their needs will be met. Carter didn't have that luxury. He grew up in an environment where his needs weren't always met immediately, or at all. (This is not for lack of love from his nannies, but they were not his parents. There is no love that replaces that of parents.) He has almost 4 years of learning that he is in charge of meeting his own needs. That is not something that will go away as soon as he meets us. It might take weeks, months or even longer for him to learn. He needs to know without a doubt that we love him. And that we will meet his needs.

What does that mean for our friends? As much as we hate it, it means that we need you to give our family time and space to be by ourselves. It will feel like overkill. It might be. But we have 4 years to make up for. That's so much time. So much inconsistency. Please, continue to love us and give us grace by letting us be. It will be very difficult, I know. It will be difficult for us, too, not to spend time with the people we love. But we are only doing it for Carter's safety and emotional and spiritual well-being.

Here are some specific things that we need: 

1. Physical boundaries. We need you to refrain from holding, hugging, and kissing beautiful Carter. And every other normal physical contact. Children from an orphanage setting are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone. It's instinctual. It also hinders his relationship with us, his parents. What can you do? Waving and blowing kisses is welcome! He should know that you our trusted friends and that you love and care for him.

2. Redirection for emotional and physical needs. This is probably the most important boundary that we need. It is critical for our bond with Carter that no one, besides Rob and I, meet any of his physical or emotional needs. Please refrain from feeding him, comforting or soothing him. Any of this can just confuse him more. He has had lots of different caregivers in his short life. He needs to know that we are his only caregivers, now. Simply, and politely, direct Carter towards us if you see that he needs comfort, food, etc.

3. Ignoring "friendly" behavior. Some children who come from an orphanage setting can display what seems to be friendly behavior, such as affection or charm towards any adults. Although it seems harmless and cute, it is actually dangerous. Of course, you are all AMAZING people, but until he has a firm understanding of family, it is best that you direct him back to us. He needs to understand that we are his parents and primary caregivers, and to look to us before engaging with strangers.

4. Don't pay attention to him. Yes, that's right, please ignore Carter (AKA: cutest kid ever). It might seem strange and inappropriate, but it is best to pay him very little attention when you see us in public. For the first few months that he is with us, he will be on sensory overload. Just the sights, smells, and sounds, alone can be very overwhelming to a child from an orphanage background. He will need time to adjust. And paying extra attention to him can be both overwhelming and confusing. He needs to know that we are the most important people in his life. He needs to bond with us. 

I know this is hard. Believe me. I have watched friends walk these same pathways. I know how much you love Carter.  Please be patient. This won't last forever.  In a few months, when we know that Carter is forming strong attachments to us, we will (very) slowly introduce friends and family into his small circle.

Thank you SO MUCH for loving Carter and respecting our boundaries. I know they will be strange and awkward. We wouldn't do it if it wasn't necessary. We love you all so much!!


Because we know that you are the most WONDERFUL people in the world, here are something things you can do to help. (If you feel the need. Seriously, no pressure!)

5. Pray, diligently. Pray for Carter to overcome the grief and trauma of his journey into our family. Pray for our family to bond quickly and securely. Pray that Rob and I are able to display the love and grace of Christ to little Carter.

6. Make/bring food. Over the first few weeks home we will probably be struggling with some major jetlag and possible sickness from the long trip. We would love and welcome any food/meals that you want to provide. I am sure we will be too exhausted to want to do any cooking when we get home.

7. Laundry/cleaning/yard work. This sounds silly, but sometimes the best thing you can do for an adoptive family is take care of some of the daily tasks that we are too tired/jetlagged/sick to take care of in the first few days that we are home.



If you're interested in reading more about cocooning, there is a fabulous article on one of my favorite adoption blogs: http://www.nohandsbutours.com/2015/09/09/cocooning/

Our Adoption Journey, Step 9: Article 5 and the next steps

This morning we received word that our Article 5 was issued. It sounds like such good news, doesn't it? But what is an Article 5? And what does it mean?

What is an Article 5? First, a (brief) history/overview of international adoption.  In the 1990's the Hague Adoption Convention was developed to protect children during the process of an international adoption. As a result, any adoption of children between the ratifying countries (now 96) includes safeguards for children and a structured procedural process. The last step of the process is the Article 5: a letter from the US Consulate to the foreign central authority (CCCWA in China) to confirm that the adoptive parents are eligible to adopt and that the child is eligible to immigrate to the US and reside there permanently.

What does it mean? It means that our travel is coming SOON! We still don't have travel dates, but this was our last step of approval. Now, we wait for the CCCWA to issue us a Travel Approval. (This happens fairly quickly after they receive our Article 5.) After our travel approval, we will know our travel dates and travel to China within 3 weeks. Travel is coming shortly! HOORAY!!!!

In the meantime, pray for patience and wisdom. Pray that God will prepare our hearts for the struggles and joys that we will face while we are in China and after we bring Carter home. God is good. We are so excited to see Him working out His love throughout our adoption journey!

Our Adoption Journey: All. The. Feels.

"Wow! Everything's going to be happening soon. You'll be travelling before you know it!"

"Are you getting excited?"

Even though it's not meant to be, it's a loaded question. The simple answer, of course we're excited! But, really, there are so many emotions all wrapped up in our adoption. So many feelings that I can't answer quickly. 

How do I feel? Eagerly excited. It's that feeling you had as a kid on Christmas Eve, when you couldn't sleep all night, waiting to see what Santa left under the Christmas tree. It's the kind of excitement that makes you feel restless, like your heart might explode at any moment. I look at his picture and see his sweet smile, or watch the latest video sent from his foster family and I can't help but smile. I imagine him with us-- playing on the carpet or chasing the dog around the house. And I desperately ache for him to be home.

Oh, but the worry and anxiety. As new parents, we are plagued with worry. We worry that we won't know what to do. That we will mess up. We worry about the language barrier. That he will be frightened of us. We worry about how to handle his medical condition. And the learning curve. We fear the unknowns. The truth is, every parent is worried.  We read books, we get advice from friends and parents.  But, still, the worry comes-- it won't listen to reason.

Simultaneously, and perhaps unexpectedly, we grieve for him. What is it going to be like, for him, when we take him with us? I imagine it will be terrifying. A little boy, taken away from the people he has come to know and love. Even if they are preparing him for the adoption, that won't keep him from pain or loss. He is too young to understand. And there is so much loss and hurt in adoption. So much pain for such a little, beautiful boy. And so I grieve and pray for him.  And I pray for a strong, compassionate heart for myself.

So, in the midst of my feelings and emotions, I pray. I know that my Father in Heaven understands my feelings and will carry me through them. So I pray. I lift up my heart and Carter's heart to Him.  I pray for comfort, for patience, for security and for wisdom. I pray, sometimes late into the night, as I put my life in my Savior's hands. And eagerly/fearfully/mournfully await what the next step of our adoption journey will bring.

Our Adoption Journey, Step 8: LOA & Immigration Approval

We have made it! Last week we received our official letter of approval (LOA)! It has been a long journey, but the end is in sight. We still have a few steps to go, but the CCCWA has approved our adoption of little man.

What is the time frame? The next steps should take between between 8-11 weeks, until we travel. Right now, however, the averages are running a little faster and we expect to be in China at the end of July or the beginning of August.

What are the next steps? There are so many. So, so many. But, briefly, we are waiting on immigration. We need the US to approve Carter's immigration to become a US citizen. We need to get travel visas for ourselves for the adoption. Once it's received, we will send our immigration approval to the CCCWA and get approved for travel!

It's all so exciting and exhausting, but we're finally here!

Our Adoption Journey, Step 7: Care Package

In the last month, we have been matched and pre-approved to adopt our little man, Then, we finished our paperwork, it was translated, sent to the CCCWA in China and logged in. Whew! What a month!

What's the next step? Most likely, we will receive our LOA (letter of approval) in May or early June.  Until then? More waiting. While we wait, we are sending a care package to Carter. Most likely, this will be his (and his nannies') first heads-up that he has a family.

So, we put together a few things for Carter, and his friends in the orphanage. Here's a peak:

1. Shirt: We bought him at cute, short-sleeved shirt, size 3T. Hopefully it will fit. His measurements were all over the place. So, we guessed. Realistically, we will probably never see him in this shirt--but that's okay. He needs a shirt, so he gets a shirt. Besides, if it doesn't fit him, I can hope it will be worn by another little boy that needs a good shirt.

2. Photobook: In the corner of the picture, you can see our book. It is filled with pages of our family, friends, house and puppy. Most importantly, pictures of us, telling him that we love him.

3. Wooden trains: I can't tell you how fun it was to shop for small, simple toys. We have waited so many years to buy things for our child. To get him something that might put a smile on his face. We labeled these: "to share with your friends". Why aren't they just for him? After 8 months on our adoption journey, our hearts have broken for orphans around the world. How will his friends feel, knowing Carter is going to be adopted, but that they may never be? We bought more, identical trains for him to have at home. These toys are for him to share and will stay at the welfare institute. We cannot adopt them all, but we can love them. And send them things that will put a smile on their face.

4. Dum-Dums: Because everyone needs suckers. We couldn't fit the entire bag in that tiny box, so we put some in a Ziploc bag for him to share with his friends.

5. SD card: For the nannies and caregivers to take pictures of Carter and his friends. We hope that they will take pictures of him and everyone he knows at the orphanage. I know that he will treasure those pictures for years to come. Pictures of those who loved him before we could. We thought about sending a disposable camera, but we are hopeful that the orphanage has a digital camera (and maybe it's more convenient for them?). If we send another care package, we might send a disposable camera, just in case.

6. Letter to the orphanage (not pictured): Our agency wrote out a letter, in Mandarin, explaining that we love Carter and that we are coming for him soon. We asked that they take pictures of Carter and his friends. We asked that they let him know that we are his family and love him until we can get there. We also included a copy of our pre-approval from the CCCWA.


Somehow, we fit it all into a tiny little box. Seriously, I'm not sure how.

Our Adoption Journey: LID, DTC, and all the other letters...

In China adoption, there are so many different acronyms. Why? Because there are so many, detailed steps to international adoption. So, below, I have compiled a list of all the acronyms that we might have used (or will in the future) as part of our adoption.

CCAI: Chinese Children Adoption International. Our adoption agency. It is one of the largest China adoption agencies in the US. They have been around for over 20 years and assisted in more than 10,000 adoptions of children from China. For more information, click HERE.

CCCWA: China Center for Children's Welfare & Adoption. The government agency in China that is in charge of orphan care. It is the agency that will (hopefully) approve our adoption and our travel to China to adopt our little boy.

USCIS: United States Citizenship & Immigration Services. The US government agency that oversees citizenship and immigration. Because Carter will be a US citizen as soon as he in on US soil, we have background checks and visa approval through USCIS.

LOI: Letter Of Intent. The letter that we wrote to the CCCWA, indicating our desire to adopt our specific child. It included specific information about him and our promise to love and provide for him, to the best of our ability.

PA: Pre-Approval. Following our LOI, the CCCWA pre-approved our adoption of Carter. This happens before they read through our entire dossier. After we received our pre-approval, we were able to share pictures of Carter to our friends and family. Although it is not the official approval, it is an exciting step, to be allowed to share pictures and (limited) information about him with those who love us (and him) and are praying for us all.

DTC: Dossier to China. Our dossier paperwork has been sent to the CCCWA in China. Usually within 2 weeks, it is logged into the system. And, if there are no concerns with our paperwork, we can be (hopefully) be approved in 2-4 months.

LID: Logged-In Dossier. Our paperwork has been logged into the CCCWA. Nothing has been officially translated, read or approved. This date, however, is very important because everything that happens for our adoption usually hinges on this date. Approval, travel, etc. is always based on this date.

LOA: Letter of Approval. The CCCWA has read through our dossier and approves of our adoption. WE GET TO ADOPT!!! This, of course, is one of the most important steps. (Don't get excited, it hasn't happened yet!)

TA: Travel Approval. About 2-3 months after our LOA, the CCCWA will usually approve us for travel. At that time, we are only 7-10 days from going to China. This hinges on travel visas for us and for Carter, approved by both the US and the CCCWA.

Our Adoption Journey, Step 6: Getting Matched and the Waiting Child Program

Recently, we were matched with our beautiful boy. The matching process can be a long process, filled with periods of waiting. At our agency, it begins with a form, MCC (Medical Conditions Checklist), that allows us to describe our openness to a child's gender, age and medical conditions from China's Waiting Child Program. The rest of the matching process? Mostly waiting.

What is the Waiting Child Program? Currently in China the large majority of children who can be adopted in the U.S. are part of the Waiting Child Program. These children typically have a medical need. Older (9 yo+) "healthy" children, can also be part of the Waiting Child Program. Children that are part of this program can have a variety of mild to severe conditions, including cerebral palsy, Down Syndrome, cleft palate, heart defects, blood disorders, malformed/missing limbs, etc. Many conditions are considered "minor" here in the U.S. and are even treated/repaired before the child is adopted. To learn more, read our agency's description HERE.

Why adopt from the Waiting Child Program? I'll admit, at first it was a little daunting. To know that our challenges would be bigger and tougher than we'd dreamed when we first thought of starting a family. But, slowly, without even realizing it, we not only accepted the idea of raising a child with a medical condition, but we have come to embrace the idea. Recently, our agency asked us why we chose to adopt a child with medical needs. Our answer was simple, yet profound: because a child's medical condition shouldn't prevent him/her from having a forever family.

Do you have to wait to be matched a child by your agency? Yes, and no. There are many different ways to be matched. You can wait to be matched as you complete your paperwork. Many agencies also share children from the "Special Focus" program on their websites. After you have done your initial application, you can request information about these children. Typically, children on the "Special Focus" program are considered to have multiple needs or more significant medical needs.

What about Carter? Is that his real name? Yes, it will be his real name when our adoption is complete. He does have a Chinese name that was given to him by the orphanage. When he becomes our child, we will give him our name. We do plan to keep his Chinese name as a middle name for him, to preserve his identity and heritage as a Chinese American.

Does Carter have a medical condition? Is he "OK"? The short answer: yes and yes. We were matched with Carter about three weeks ago, although we didn't formally accept the referral for about a week. What took so long? We wanted to be prepared for what life will look like when Carter comes home, so we sent his file to medical professionals and did LOADS of research. His condition? Nothing that we are worried about (and neither should you). And nothing that will keep him from leading a normal, healthy life. Instead, pray for our time of transition as Carter learns what it means to have a family and we learn what it means to be parents. And pray our next period of waiting: waiting to bring him home.

Our Adoption Journey: No Small Contributions

I’d like to begin by extending a huge thank you to everyone who has contributed to our adoption financially or otherwise. We have been blessed beyond measure to see the charity and graciousness of so many. Thank you, thank you, and thank you.

Then, for lack of a better transition, fundraising is no fun. Like another friend of mine has recently posted, “I hate asking for money.” When we began the adoption process, I knew that we would not be able to do it alone. It has been amazing to see God work through the hands of friends, family and complete strangers. I know in the past, when I saw friends post about such things, I often thought that I couldn’t really help as I didn’t have a lot to give. I thought, I don’t have hundreds or even thousands to give, so I won’t. How silly and how limiting my own thought process. How limited my perspective of God and what he is able to use to accomplish his plans and purpose.

This week when we posted Carter’s picture we had almost 400 likes, and I was struck by a simple thought. What if everyone who “liked” that photo simply contributed $20 to our Pure Charity account? If that happened, we would reach 70% of our remaining fundraising goal. Yep, the power of a twenty dollar bill multiplied. That’s a trip to Chipotle, a movie or coffee at Starbucks with a friend.

If you have already contributed, do not feel obligated. Also, I know not everyone can contribute financially, nor am I expecting or trying to guilt everyone into doing so. Yet I am struck by that thought of how something so simple and small could make such a big difference. We’ve seen the compounding power of small gifts with our T-Shirt fundraiser. With that in mind I felt led to share what was on my own heart. There are no small contributions.

https://purecharity.com/bley-family-adoption/

We welcome and are eternally grateful for your continued and future support. 

Our Adoption Journey: Cracks in My Heart

When we began our adoption journey, I had no idea what God had in store for us.  I still don't, really.  But, I am beginning to see the picture that he is painting.  It is a picture that has begun with little cracks in my heart.  The first one appeared as I began to read about attachment disorder.  I began to realize that children in welfare institutes (orphanages), even in the best circumstances, cannot have their emotional needs met.  Without the love and support we are made for, their brains become wired differently.  Unable to understand the world the way that we know things.  Crack.  My heart began to break a little for those darlings.  It radically changed my thinking.

Months later, we sat with friends and talked about their adoption.  They opened my eyes to more: their school-aged children are not allowed to attend public schools.  They attend school in their welfare institute (orphanage).  Crack.  My heart broke more.  No school?!?  I know that public school is not a the best solution for every child.  But, I know what a tremendous thing it can do for a child who is experiencing troubling circumstances in their home life.  I have seen it.  Somehow, I thought, public school could help them.  The children could learn and be treated like every other child.  It might give them a sense of worth.  And a relationship with their peers outside the institute.

Recently, I saw a photo of children in an institute in China that I can't get out of my mind.  It split my heart into pieces.  It is a photo of young children, in cribs, wearing clothing that acts like a straight jacket.  The photo was taken by a mother while visiting her daughter's orphanage.  There are so many scary implications to the photograph.  The institute is considered a "good" one by China standards.  The mother was given permission by institute personnel to take the photograph.  This photograph was taken recently, after China has come such a long way in the standards of care for children in their institutes.  What is going on at other institutes in China?  Or other parts of the world?  What is going on where adoptive parents aren't allowed to photograph?  Or aren't allowed to visit?  What is going on where they don't have "high" standards of care?  The picture has broken me.

I will never, ever look at adoption or orphans the same.  I can't.  My heart won't let me, it is broken.  And, that's okay.  As a friend of mine said, "Be broken.  It is RIGHT to be broken.  What I am saying is this...do not look away from this.  Do not block it out of your mind.  Because these kids are the least of these.  They are the poor, abused, neglected, oppressed, lonely, sick and unwanted....But Jesus.  He adopted me when I was a mess.  And He adopted you, too.  And because of that we have a new nature.  We KNOW JESUS and trust in Him, and so we have to look at the scary, hard things with new eyes and a new heart.  His eyes. His heart.  And  He is not afraid of anything."

I pray that God will use this picture and our experiences to break your heart for the orphans around the world and here at home.  Please, don't shut it out.  Weep for them.  Pray for them.  Advocate for them.  Love them however you can.

Our Adoption Journey: Trusting God in the Waiting

Waiting.  It's probably my least favorite activity.  In fact, as I sit here typing, Rob can't contain his laughter at this thought.  I have always been terrible at waiting.  I can look back, now, and see how God has been preparing me for this very hard waiting period.  I see the times He let me wait on other things.  Waiting on jobs.  Waiting on pregnancy.  So much waiting.  But, through all of it, I have learned that it is God who brings me joy in my waiting.  I know that His plans for me are good.  And He is perfect in His timing.  As I look back, I can see how the waiting has done so much for me.  I have learned patience.  I have learned grace.  I have learned contentment.  I have learned to wait.

In our adoption journey, waiting has characterized much of the last few months.  Waiting for documents to come back.  Waiting on the authentication process.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.  The biggest and longest part of the waiting process has been waiting to be matched.  Thousands of questions plague me, daily: Who will we be matched with?  Will it be a boy, like we expect?  Will we be surprised with a girl?  How old will they be?  What will the look like?  What will their personalities be?  What medical conditions will they have?  Who will they grow up to be?  So many unanswered questions.

For now, though, we are called to keep waiting.  So we will wait, eagerly, to be matched with our child.  There is so much hope, so much excitement and anticipation wrapped up in this period of waiting.  But, we know, so much joy will find us here, in the waiting.  As you pray for us on our journey.  Pray for us, while we wait.  Pray for our patience as we learn to wait and to trust in God.  Trust His timing and trust His plan for our family.

Psalm 62:5 "Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him."

Our Adoption Journey, Step 5: Love Crosses Oceans (t-shirts!)

Love.  It has been a theme of mine the past few months.  God's boundless love.  Christ's redeeming love.  The love of families.  The love of friends.  The love that I am called to give to others.  Throughout our adoption journey, I have been coming face to face with my need for love.  And my need to show love and grace to others.  Love, real love, is not always easy.  It involves sacrifice, tough choices and sometimes enduring pain.

But that is what adoption is all about.  It is about choosing love.  Making the tough choices, choosing sacrifice and sometimes enduring the pain of separation, loss and grief.  But there is beauty in adoption.  Beauty in the picture of Christ's love for us.  A love that crossed a great divide, one we couldn't cross ourselves.

For that reason, love has become our theme for our adoption.  A love that crosses oceans.  For the next step of our adoption, we are beginning our next fundraiser.  Using our theme, Rob designed t-shirts that incorporate China, and "Love Crosses Oceans".  If you love T-shirts, adoption, or just want to support our journey, please consider purchasing one of our shirts.  They are available in Adult sizes, S-XXL, for $20.  Please include $5 for shipping, if you are ordering from out of state.  Payments are due by Tuesday, January 31.  Feel free to send check or cash to us directly or to our online fundraiser at: https://purecharity.com/bley-family-adoption/.  Shirts will take 2-3 weeks to be printed and delivered.  Please contact Leah via text/email/facebook with your order.

Thank you so much for your love and support throughout our journey.  All of your prayers and kind words have meant so much to us.  We cannot wait to share your love with our little one (hopefully) soon.

Our Adoption Journey, Step 4: Certification

There are still more steps in the paperwork process.  The most complicated part, so far  Authentication.  In international adoptions, every document that is part of the homestudy process has to be authenticated, or "legalized".  For every country/state the procedures can vary.  For us, it meant traveling to three different county courthouses before Christmas.  It also means mailing documents to various Secretaries of State, U.S. Consulates and to the U.S. Department of State. Many of which require couriers and return envelopes with tracking numbers.  As you can imagine, the fees add up.  So far we have spent almost $300 on different fees and I expect to spend quite a bit more before we have finished the process.  

It is scary to know that if certain procedures aren't followed correctly, we might need to do the process over again.  So, I drag in my big, scary binder of papers and documents to the UPS store each time I mail a document.  Yes, I bring a large 3-ring binder to the UPS store.  Where ordinary citizens just want to mail Christmas gifts to their loved ones.  I take 15 minutes to go through each document, get the right envelopes and check the addresses, twice.  I'm sorry to you, busy working gentleman, holding a very large, heavy package and waiting while I open my binder and recheck the addresses, a third time.  I'm sorry.  There isn't even room on the counter for it all.  But the nice UPS man reassures me every time that it will be OK.  And we send off the next paper.  

But, it is just part of the process.  Just like the homestudy. And parent training.  And so many other details.  You can pray for us during this process.  Pray for patience.  And wisdom.  And trust that God will work out the little details.