Our Adoption Journey, Step 6: Getting Matched and the Waiting Child Program

Recently, we were matched with our beautiful boy. The matching process can be a long process, filled with periods of waiting. At our agency, it begins with a form, MCC (Medical Conditions Checklist), that allows us to describe our openness to a child's gender, age and medical conditions from China's Waiting Child Program. The rest of the matching process? Mostly waiting.

What is the Waiting Child Program? Currently in China the large majority of children who can be adopted in the U.S. are part of the Waiting Child Program. These children typically have a medical need. Older (9 yo+) "healthy" children, can also be part of the Waiting Child Program. Children that are part of this program can have a variety of mild to severe conditions, including cerebral palsy, Down Syndrome, cleft palate, heart defects, blood disorders, malformed/missing limbs, etc. Many conditions are considered "minor" here in the U.S. and are even treated/repaired before the child is adopted. To learn more, read our agency's description HERE.

Why adopt from the Waiting Child Program? I'll admit, at first it was a little daunting. To know that our challenges would be bigger and tougher than we'd dreamed when we first thought of starting a family. But, slowly, without even realizing it, we not only accepted the idea of raising a child with a medical condition, but we have come to embrace the idea. Recently, our agency asked us why we chose to adopt a child with medical needs. Our answer was simple, yet profound: because a child's medical condition shouldn't prevent him/her from having a forever family.

Do you have to wait to be matched a child by your agency? Yes, and no. There are many different ways to be matched. You can wait to be matched as you complete your paperwork. Many agencies also share children from the "Special Focus" program on their websites. After you have done your initial application, you can request information about these children. Typically, children on the "Special Focus" program are considered to have multiple needs or more significant medical needs.

What about Carter? Is that his real name? Yes, it will be his real name when our adoption is complete. He does have a Chinese name that was given to him by the orphanage. When he becomes our child, we will give him our name. We do plan to keep his Chinese name as a middle name for him, to preserve his identity and heritage as a Chinese American.

Does Carter have a medical condition? Is he "OK"? The short answer: yes and yes. We were matched with Carter about three weeks ago, although we didn't formally accept the referral for about a week. What took so long? We wanted to be prepared for what life will look like when Carter comes home, so we sent his file to medical professionals and did LOADS of research. His condition? Nothing that we are worried about (and neither should you). And nothing that will keep him from leading a normal, healthy life. Instead, pray for our time of transition as Carter learns what it means to have a family and we learn what it means to be parents. And pray our next period of waiting: waiting to bring him home.

Our Adoption Journey: No Small Contributions

I’d like to begin by extending a huge thank you to everyone who has contributed to our adoption financially or otherwise. We have been blessed beyond measure to see the charity and graciousness of so many. Thank you, thank you, and thank you.

Then, for lack of a better transition, fundraising is no fun. Like another friend of mine has recently posted, “I hate asking for money.” When we began the adoption process, I knew that we would not be able to do it alone. It has been amazing to see God work through the hands of friends, family and complete strangers. I know in the past, when I saw friends post about such things, I often thought that I couldn’t really help as I didn’t have a lot to give. I thought, I don’t have hundreds or even thousands to give, so I won’t. How silly and how limiting my own thought process. How limited my perspective of God and what he is able to use to accomplish his plans and purpose.

This week when we posted Carter’s picture we had almost 400 likes, and I was struck by a simple thought. What if everyone who “liked” that photo simply contributed $20 to our Pure Charity account? If that happened, we would reach 70% of our remaining fundraising goal. Yep, the power of a twenty dollar bill multiplied. That’s a trip to Chipotle, a movie or coffee at Starbucks with a friend.

If you have already contributed, do not feel obligated. Also, I know not everyone can contribute financially, nor am I expecting or trying to guilt everyone into doing so. Yet I am struck by that thought of how something so simple and small could make such a big difference. We’ve seen the compounding power of small gifts with our T-Shirt fundraiser. With that in mind I felt led to share what was on my own heart. There are no small contributions.

https://purecharity.com/bley-family-adoption/

We welcome and are eternally grateful for your continued and future support. 

Our Adoption Journey: Cracks in My Heart

When we began our adoption journey, I had no idea what God had in store for us.  I still don't, really.  But, I am beginning to see the picture that he is painting.  It is a picture that has begun with little cracks in my heart.  The first one appeared as I began to read about attachment disorder.  I began to realize that children in welfare institutes (orphanages), even in the best circumstances, cannot have their emotional needs met.  Without the love and support we are made for, their brains become wired differently.  Unable to understand the world the way that we know things.  Crack.  My heart began to break a little for those darlings.  It radically changed my thinking.

Months later, we sat with friends and talked about their adoption.  They opened my eyes to more: their school-aged children are not allowed to attend public schools.  They attend school in their welfare institute (orphanage).  Crack.  My heart broke more.  No school?!?  I know that public school is not a the best solution for every child.  But, I know what a tremendous thing it can do for a child who is experiencing troubling circumstances in their home life.  I have seen it.  Somehow, I thought, public school could help them.  The children could learn and be treated like every other child.  It might give them a sense of worth.  And a relationship with their peers outside the institute.

Recently, I saw a photo of children in an institute in China that I can't get out of my mind.  It split my heart into pieces.  It is a photo of young children, in cribs, wearing clothing that acts like a straight jacket.  The photo was taken by a mother while visiting her daughter's orphanage.  There are so many scary implications to the photograph.  The institute is considered a "good" one by China standards.  The mother was given permission by institute personnel to take the photograph.  This photograph was taken recently, after China has come such a long way in the standards of care for children in their institutes.  What is going on at other institutes in China?  Or other parts of the world?  What is going on where adoptive parents aren't allowed to photograph?  Or aren't allowed to visit?  What is going on where they don't have "high" standards of care?  The picture has broken me.

I will never, ever look at adoption or orphans the same.  I can't.  My heart won't let me, it is broken.  And, that's okay.  As a friend of mine said, "Be broken.  It is RIGHT to be broken.  What I am saying is this...do not look away from this.  Do not block it out of your mind.  Because these kids are the least of these.  They are the poor, abused, neglected, oppressed, lonely, sick and unwanted....But Jesus.  He adopted me when I was a mess.  And He adopted you, too.  And because of that we have a new nature.  We KNOW JESUS and trust in Him, and so we have to look at the scary, hard things with new eyes and a new heart.  His eyes. His heart.  And  He is not afraid of anything."

I pray that God will use this picture and our experiences to break your heart for the orphans around the world and here at home.  Please, don't shut it out.  Weep for them.  Pray for them.  Advocate for them.  Love them however you can.

Our Adoption Journey: Trusting God in the Waiting

Waiting.  It's probably my least favorite activity.  In fact, as I sit here typing, Rob can't contain his laughter at this thought.  I have always been terrible at waiting.  I can look back, now, and see how God has been preparing me for this very hard waiting period.  I see the times He let me wait on other things.  Waiting on jobs.  Waiting on pregnancy.  So much waiting.  But, through all of it, I have learned that it is God who brings me joy in my waiting.  I know that His plans for me are good.  And He is perfect in His timing.  As I look back, I can see how the waiting has done so much for me.  I have learned patience.  I have learned grace.  I have learned contentment.  I have learned to wait.

In our adoption journey, waiting has characterized much of the last few months.  Waiting for documents to come back.  Waiting on the authentication process.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.  The biggest and longest part of the waiting process has been waiting to be matched.  Thousands of questions plague me, daily: Who will we be matched with?  Will it be a boy, like we expect?  Will we be surprised with a girl?  How old will they be?  What will the look like?  What will their personalities be?  What medical conditions will they have?  Who will they grow up to be?  So many unanswered questions.

For now, though, we are called to keep waiting.  So we will wait, eagerly, to be matched with our child.  There is so much hope, so much excitement and anticipation wrapped up in this period of waiting.  But, we know, so much joy will find us here, in the waiting.  As you pray for us on our journey.  Pray for us, while we wait.  Pray for our patience as we learn to wait and to trust in God.  Trust His timing and trust His plan for our family.

Psalm 62:5 "Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him."

Our Adoption Journey, Step 5: Love Crosses Oceans (t-shirts!)

Love.  It has been a theme of mine the past few months.  God's boundless love.  Christ's redeeming love.  The love of families.  The love of friends.  The love that I am called to give to others.  Throughout our adoption journey, I have been coming face to face with my need for love.  And my need to show love and grace to others.  Love, real love, is not always easy.  It involves sacrifice, tough choices and sometimes enduring pain.

But that is what adoption is all about.  It is about choosing love.  Making the tough choices, choosing sacrifice and sometimes enduring the pain of separation, loss and grief.  But there is beauty in adoption.  Beauty in the picture of Christ's love for us.  A love that crossed a great divide, one we couldn't cross ourselves.

For that reason, love has become our theme for our adoption.  A love that crosses oceans.  For the next step of our adoption, we are beginning our next fundraiser.  Using our theme, Rob designed t-shirts that incorporate China, and "Love Crosses Oceans".  If you love T-shirts, adoption, or just want to support our journey, please consider purchasing one of our shirts.  They are available in Adult sizes, S-XXL, for $20.  Please include $5 for shipping, if you are ordering from out of state.  Payments are due by Tuesday, January 31.  Feel free to send check or cash to us directly or to our online fundraiser at: https://purecharity.com/bley-family-adoption/.  Shirts will take 2-3 weeks to be printed and delivered.  Please contact Leah via text/email/facebook with your order.

Thank you so much for your love and support throughout our journey.  All of your prayers and kind words have meant so much to us.  We cannot wait to share your love with our little one (hopefully) soon.

Our Adoption Journey, Step 4: Certification

There are still more steps in the paperwork process.  The most complicated part, so far  Authentication.  In international adoptions, every document that is part of the homestudy process has to be authenticated, or "legalized".  For every country/state the procedures can vary.  For us, it meant traveling to three different county courthouses before Christmas.  It also means mailing documents to various Secretaries of State, U.S. Consulates and to the U.S. Department of State. Many of which require couriers and return envelopes with tracking numbers.  As you can imagine, the fees add up.  So far we have spent almost $300 on different fees and I expect to spend quite a bit more before we have finished the process.  

It is scary to know that if certain procedures aren't followed correctly, we might need to do the process over again.  So, I drag in my big, scary binder of papers and documents to the UPS store each time I mail a document.  Yes, I bring a large 3-ring binder to the UPS store.  Where ordinary citizens just want to mail Christmas gifts to their loved ones.  I take 15 minutes to go through each document, get the right envelopes and check the addresses, twice.  I'm sorry to you, busy working gentleman, holding a very large, heavy package and waiting while I open my binder and recheck the addresses, a third time.  I'm sorry.  There isn't even room on the counter for it all.  But the nice UPS man reassures me every time that it will be OK.  And we send off the next paper.  

But, it is just part of the process.  Just like the homestudy. And parent training.  And so many other details.  You can pray for us during this process.  Pray for patience.  And wisdom.  And trust that God will work out the little details.

Our Adoption Journey, Step 3: Parent Training

Our homestudy required lots of steps: paperwork, visits with our social worker and parent training.  The parent training process was not what I expected.  I expected to be told about how to be a good parent: discipline, expectations, consequences, etc.  But, the majority of our required 12 hours of parent training was more insightful.  We learned about how to be a good parent to our child.  The unique struggles that he (or she) will have.  Struggles from living in an orphanage.  Struggles from a transracial adoption.  Struggles from loss and grief, unique to adoption.  We also learned about the importance of attachment theory in adoption.  

For those that are not aware of attachment theory, it is the understanding of the importance of  emotional bonding that (should) occur between parents and their child from the moment the child is born.  Everything that seems natural to parents (direct eye contact, mimicking sounds, close body contact, etc.).  Sadly, children in orphanages or other circumstances that can lead to adoption are deprived of this crucial bonding.  It can have a detrimental impact on a child's development.  For more information about attachment theory, I strongly recommend reading The Connected Child by Kathryn Purvis (one of the leading researchers and authors on attachment) and Forever Mom by Mary Ostyn (a personal account of one mom's stories of adoption).  Both books give excellent insight into the importance of attachment.  

I am no expert in any of these fields, but our parent training was very enlightening.  It provided so much for us to consider and gave way to great conversations.  Conversations about expectations in our home.  Conversations about adoption.  What other people will say.  How to handle rude comments.  How to approach the topic of adoption to our child.  How to love them as our own, but respect their experiences as an adopted as genuine and different than our own.  So many valuable things.  

Throughout our parent training, I continued to realize that I will mess this parenting thing up. Big. Time.  I will say the wrong thing.  I will react the wrong way.  I am a broken, sinful person, trying to raise a child.  But, despite these things, God loves me.  He loves me because I am His child.  And that is the same love that I will give to my child.